You’re unique. We get that. You’re quirky, random, one-of-a-kind. Your fedora says it all. You want to see things for how they really are. Not for you the package holiday deal or sardine tin cruise liner. You want real travel experiences. That’s why we’re here to tell you how to avoid the tourist hordes and truly go off the beaten path:
The average traveler coming to London will no doubt have their usual conformist list of sights to see. Big Ben, the Tower, Buckingham Palace…blah, blah, blah. Boring! It’s time to think for yourself. These ‘attractions’ are not what London is all about. London is all about spending the GDP of a small country on renting a 2×2 square foot shag rug infested hovel above a kebab shop. London is all about commuting on a bakingly hot tube for two hours a day to your job in a building society call centre.
So do it. Get the job. Get the flat. Ten months later – returning from work, crammed into the back of a packed bus travelling at <10mph – you might catch sight of some conventional tourists through the bus’s filthy, dust covered windows. You see these sheeple happily frolicking at one of London’s many internationally renowned cultural sites and you smile smugly to yourself. You know that only you have seen through the propaganda of the travel industry and managed to experience the true London. And then it’s back to your bin of a home for the only meal dropping 99.9% of your pay cheque on rent lets you afford: three twirls of uncooked plain pasta.
The Louvre. Home to some of the greatest artistic achievements ever produced by mankind. At least that’s what the tourism industry wants you to believe. Yet – only five hours walk from the crowds of tourists filling the Louvre – is a site of equal, if not even greater, cultural significance. We’re talking about Electronics Boutique store number 2012. Gather outside this UNESCO World Heritage Site (er, probably?) and stare in awe at the Crash Bandicoot and Call of Duty (or as Parisians call it ‘Le Call of Duty’) promotional posters that adorn its metal grilled windows. It’s an experience every bit as artistically enriching as the Louvre – just with none of the crowds!
Look at those idiot Syrian tourists – crowds of them trying to cross the Mediterranean in inflatable rubber dinghies. Talk about being boring and conventional. Why can’t they be more adventurous – like you? After all, you’re way too alternative to be just another face in the refugee crowd. That’s why you’re thinking outside the box and instead taking a rubber dinghy from Greece to Syria. You smile smugly to yourself. It’ll certainly be one in the eye for the evil tourism industry as you bring your trip of a lifetime to an end in a hailstorm of Russian missiles.