Our housekeeping correspondent Matron Maureen is here with some top tips on how to save $$$ on the most popular brands and products available today – all by simply making them yourself!

Diet Fanta

Beloved by children and recovering alcoholics alike, nothing beats a lukewarm can of Diet Fanta Pineapple on a slate-grey mid-winter’s day! The only downside is the cost. With a special scientific report commissioned by Coca Cola finding that the recommended daily intake of Diet Fanta is 58 two litre bottles, it’s easy to see how your love of fizzy chemical poison may soon be causing you and your family to plummet below the poverty line. Well, put that worry behind you with my frugal shopper’s guide to making Diet Fanta yourself!

1. Purchase the naming rights to the Diet Fanta brand from the Coca Cola Corporation for $100 billion
2. Purchase a 10000000 square foot factory in rural Colombia for $350 million
3. Purchase $500 million worth of industrial equipment
4. Hire 1000 Colombian labourers to toil joylessly on the assembly line for $15 per hour
5. Crack open that first free can of homemade Diet Fanta and toast your new frugal lifestyle!

A computer

Whether it’s for word processing or word production, there’s no denying that the PC is an essential part of any modern lifestyle. But with prices starting at an eye watering $149.99, it can be hard to get a foothold on the computer ownership ladder. That’s where Matron Maureen’s top tips come in!

1. Complete a four year undergraduate course in Electrical Engineering
2. Complete a two year postgraduate degree in Computer Programming
3. Complete a six year PHD on the relationship between computer hardware and software
4. Spend 2 years and tens of thousands of dollars accumulating and assembling hundreds of computer parts
5. Sit back and browse hardcore pornography on your already completely obsolete machine!

An apartment

Owning your own home is expensive. So expensive in fact that those crazy continentals don’t even bother doing it. Yet we all secretly know that renting is for the poors. It’s time to get Anglo and plan how the penny pinching shopper can land themselves their OWN apartment!

1. Spend 8 years lobbying and bribing local politicians until they agree to the construction of your new condo
2. Spend 2 years and $500 million constructing a 350-storey apartment building
3. Be sued for $1 billion when masonry falls from the construction site on to pedestrians below
4. Name it The Trump Tower in tribute to Donald Trump
5. Throw a thoroughly depressing housewarming party in your new 200 square foot unfurnished bachelor apartment (bathroom not included)

That’s it for now, but join me next week when I will be showing you how to save money on your wife’s funeral! (I don’t think so, you’re fired – Ed.)


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