Worried about having the tumultuous events of the latest season of Game of Thrones spoiled for you? Take it easy with our guide to the top five ways to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers:
1. Avoid TV shows that are shot abysmally
If you’re watching a TV show and it looks like complete garbage then SPOILER ALERT! You could well be accidentally viewing an episode from the hotly anticipated season 6 of Game of Thrones! After all, this boilerplate fantasy consistently displays all the directorial flair of your average episode of Coronation Street. From the uniformly flat lighting to its mind-deadening use of the most rote camera angles imaginable – the appallingly directed Game of Thrones makes your average daytime infomercial look like the Sistine Chapel.
2. Avoid TV shows that are crammed full of excruciatingly bad infodump dialogue
Did you just turn on the telly to encounter a character trying to pass a painfully clumsy plot point summary off as natural conversation? Quick, change the channel! Game of Thrones spoilers alert! You see, only in HBO’s hit series could such a bullet point list rundown of a character’s current storylines be considered remotely acceptable dialogue. As Prince Kosadjoisajdsaoihd of the Bshadfaifdsnalfiads so memorably put it in Season 5, Episode 123843194: “How am I doing? I’ve got the King of Asdhasjdaskd about to declare war on me, a unicorn for a wife, and now my son has just died battling gollums! How do you think I’m doing??”
3. Avoid the company of morons
Even the briefest perusal of a Venn diagram of Game of Thrones viewers and morons would tell you that the intellectually stunted community have flocked to this poor man’s Redwall in their droves. Therefore – to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers – you must actively avoid engaging in casual or professional conversation with a moron. Focus instead on the middling to high intelligence brackets. A person of even the slightest brainpower and free thought will have no interest in discussing something that is essentially a rejected Hollyoaks script with added chainmail.
4. Live a fulfilling, positive life
A life full of love, music, and adventure is not a existence that lends itself well to spending Sunday nights slumped on the couch watching two bearded men trade wooden dialogue with each other in a badly lit Belfast studio. By packing your days with the things that truly matter, you can guarantee that you won’t ever spoil Game of Thrones for yourself by actually watching the bloody thing.
5. Kill yourself