SPL

Our red-headed Scottish football correspondent Ronnie McDougall writes from Macbeth’s castle…

Och aye! What a year of football we’ve seen up here in the uninhabitable northern wastelands!

That’s right – the country that brought you the 4-6-0 formation and bald 41-year old defenders repeatedly drilling balls into Row Z has really out-done itself this time!

Here’s my recap of how this incredible season went doon:

August 2015
Barely had the torrential rain set on another Glaswegian summer when the Scottish Premier League (‘SPL’ to its billions tens of viewers across the Far East and North America) got back underway. And what a start! Within minutes Catholics and Protestants were already brawling in shady backstreet pubs in an orgy of sectarian violence unheard of since the glory days of the 2014-15 season. Take it easy lads – we can debate papal authority when the football’s not on!

September 2015
Come September and the Wonga Scottish Premier League was going from strength-to-strength. Just witness – in the first of their 26 league meetings this season – Patricia Stinging Nettle drawing 0-0 with Crocodile Dundee in the most exciting match ever seen in the history of Scottish football! Meanwhile, the national team continued to do the country proud – its 10-0-0 formation standing firm in the face of a late Isle of Mann onslaught to secure a much needed 0-1 defeat.

October 2015
Dunno what happened I was watching the EPL.

November 2015
Dunno what happened I was watching the EPL.

December 2015
By this point the SPL title race was really starting to hot up – at least it sounded like it was from the 0.00000001 milliseconds it took for me to lean across the car and switch to Simon Mayo the moment Radio 5 started reading out the Scottish football results.

January 2016
Mid-January and oh my. Hearty Mid-Section and Ross Country draw 0-0 in a result that sends shockwaves throughout south eastern Kilmarnock. Meanwhile – in a game that has globe-trotting billionaires the world over rushing to invest in Scottish clubs – a rain-lashed Tuesday night in Aberdeen ends in a 0-0 draw between Alexander Hamilton and Patrick.

February 2016
This was the month that saw Motherisntfeelingtoogood FC smash the Scottish transfer fee record with the marquee signing of Davey McPillock from English League 2 outfit Stevenage for 2 quid. The results of this ‘galactico’ transfer policy quickly speak for themselves, with Davey leading his brave team of bald 38 year olds to a 0-0 draw against Livingstone I Presume on a rain-lashed Gretna bog the following Tuesday.

March 2016
God, is this still going on? When does the tennis start?

April 2016
*Unintelligible drunken ramblings*

May 2016
The most extraordinary season in Pictland history ends with Celtic lifting the prestigious Tenant’s Extra Strength Tramp Lager SPL trophy for only the 86th year in a row! Will they make it 87 next time around? You’ll have to wait to find out…only I won’t because I’m off to immediately kill myself! See ya!

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