Hi, Dr Moran here. I’ve been thinking hard lately, and not just about how to get the coffee machine off my ex-wife in the court settlement. Nope, I’ve been reflecting on the place of dieting in today’s hectic world. After all, with our fast-paced modern lifestyles of sitting perfectly still staring at a phone screen for hours on end, it can be difficult to find the time to shed those pounds. That’s why I came up with The Moran Diet™, a quick and easy way to lose weight that is designed specifically for the busy modern urban professional. That’s right, if you’re aged between 5 and 30, work in an Apple Store and weigh over 500 pounds then this is the diet for you!
P.S. Please rest assured that I am fully qualified to carry the title of doctor, unlike your average daytime TV scam artist. I am the proud holder of a PhD in Sega Dreamcast Studies from Rotherham Polytechnic, and my online virtual tutor would be more than happy to confirm that!
Step 1: Stick to food with ingredients you can pronounce
Have you ever checked out the ingredients list on the back of your favourite supermarket snack? Well, if you have then good luck pronouncing half the things that are on there! It’s all ‘sodium erythorbate’ this and ‘quesadilla’ that. That’s why you need to stick to the natural stuff and follow the simple rule of ‘if ya can’t say it, then don’t eat it’.
This step is a crucial element of the Moran Diet and I enforce it strictly. I remember one late client of mine who had a speech impediment. This poor fellow couldn’t pronounce the letter ‘r’ properly and no matter how hard he tried, he could not say things like ‘water’ and ‘grain’ correctly. I, of course, immediately banned him from the consumption of all food or drink that contained these ingredients. The results spoke for themselves. He very quickly shed hundreds of pounds and looked in fine, skeletal form when I last saw him on his death bed.
Step 2: “Sack The Sustenance”®
When it came to designing my diet, I really tried to get back to basics. I sought to boil weight loss down to its simplest form. I asked myself, why do people put on weight? The answer is simple. Because they eat food. This inspired my revolutionary idea of not eating food anymore, an idea so innovative that I even trademarked it. C’mon fatties, let’s Sack The Sustenance®.
Some cruel critics have suggested this initiative is just a pale imitation of the Atkins diet’s ‘Cut the Carbs’ slogan and that I came up with a stupid alliteration that makes no sense because you can’t just not eat food anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. That’s why you should cut the car…er, sorry I mean Sack The Sustenance® and soon be pounds lighter as you die of starvation and quickly find your deflated corpse buried six-feet under being systematically reduced in weight by a feeding mass of worms.
Step 3. Contract leprosy
The third and final step of the Moran Diet is my most revolutionary idea yet. Ever stood on the scales and dreamed you didn’t have those pesky arms and legs weighing you down and distorting the results? Well, there’s a solution. Voyage east by clipper ship for fifty days and fifty nights to reach a distant colony of lepors. Once at the resort immediately consummate intimate physical relations with a number of the patients and then sit back and get ready to reap the benefits. That’s right, within days the weight will literally be falling from your body! Look on in delight as entire clumps of your arms, legs and face fall to the floor and raise a toast to your hot, slim new body as you admire your stunted, disease riddled nightmare of a form in the mirror.
“Thanks Dr Moran” you’ll say, in-between hurling up chunks of your lungs as another infected wound ravages your destroyed respiratory tract, “I’ve now got the perfect bikini bod…and just in time for summer too!”