It’s been a tough time for the cruise industry. One itsy bitsy ship goes ever so slightly upside down off the coast of some dumb Med island and suddenly the LIBERAL CONTROLLED CRUISE HOLIDAYS HATING NEWS MEDIA are having a field day. Thankfully, Blatant Doom Trip (coincidentally a wholly owned subsidiary of B.O. Cruises Ltd) is here to set the record straight. We sent our venerable Boules correspondent Sir Humphrey Corfield-Carr on an all expenses paid cruise of the breathtaking coast of Somalia. And, as B.O Cruises owner Baron-X made very clear to Sir Humphrey beforehand, his findings are totally going to prove that cruises holidays are 100% safe and excellent value for money and you should go book a very expensive one with B.O. Cruises Ltd right now.
***
Sir Humphrey Corfield-Carr writes: It was a crisp January morn, and I boarded the HMS Shitanic in a jovial mood, eager to make use of my generous expense account at one of the numerous on board fee-charging public toilets. Sadly, there was no immediate time to indulge this particular passion of mine, as I needed to buy a biro. I had forgotten to pack a pen, so couldn’t actually write the article I was being paid to do (a common journo mistake, I’m sure Paul Foot, George Orwell, etc did this all the time!). Thankfully, the Shitanic (a vessel famously described as being “like a floating city, but a really, really shit one, like Salford or something” by Princess Aubergine upon its launch in 1899), possesses, like any great urban settlement, forty-seven separate branches of Ryman’s Stationary. I quickly found one, and waded into it through a sea of A4 binders.
As I entered the shop, I noticed that this particular branch of Ryman’s Stationary was equipped with an energy saving lightbulb. This is typical of B.O. Cruises Ltd, a company for whom green policies and sustainable development is at the heart of everything they do as a business, I thought to myself.
Having grabbed a 29p biro (blue, Bic, pointed nib), I headed to the tills clutching a £50 note. As I stood in the queue, I noticed a charity box by the till, collecting loose change to combat the scourge of tennis elbow. This is typical of B.O. Cruises Ltd, a company for whom charity and philanthropy is at the heart of everything they do as a business, I thought to myself.
On my way out of the store, I noticed a mentally challenged employee stacking paper clips in the corner. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that this employee was (a) paid by his employer and, (b) provided with his striking red fleece and black nylon trousers uniform by his employer. This is typical of B.O. Cruises Ltd, a company whose opposition to slavery and public nudity is at the heart of everything they do as a business, I thought to myself.
And then it was off down the myriad vomit beige corridors to my private quarters. I wonder when I’ll get to meet the commander of this storied vessel, the infamous ‘Captain Cuomo’, I thought to myself as I fumbled in my pocket for the key to my room. I pushed open the cabin door. There was a figure in the gloom…
***
It was Captain Cuomo himself, nude, and sprawled seductively across an arrangement of polyester ottomans. “Draw me like your French girls” he murmured. When I refused, he began to get quite aggressive.
“A man on a cruise who’s not homosexual and/or 90 years old, I refuse to believe it!” cried an astonished Cuomo.
“Believe it” I snapped.
Cuomo strode over to where in cruise ships that aren’t converted floating megaprisons a window would be. Metaphorically staring out across the Japan Sea/East Sea/East Sea of Korea (delete as appropriate for local markets), he began to thoughtfully stroke his quite impressive moustache.
“What’s your game Corfield?”
“I’m just a humble journo, Captain. Writing about my travel experiences for Blatant Doom Trip. Heard of it?”
Cuomo let forth a derisive laugh.
“Of course I have, the whole world knows about that wretched publication. It reviews My Family conventions or something? The idiot masses lap up that drivel.”
He paused to adjust a nipple.
“A hotshot writer, eh?”
“Yes sir” I answered warily.
Cuomo span round to face me. “Say, Corfield, in the event of things on board going a little…awry…during your time with us, none of that would make it into your poxy little article would it?”
“I’m not sure I understand sir” I answered.
A shadow passed across Captain Cuomo’s face.
“Let’s just say, don’t expect to be enjoying a scenic cruise of the coast of Somalia anytime soon…”
“What do you mean by that?” I snapped.
“Ever wanted to visit the bustling centre of finance and business known as Düsseldorf?” Cuomo smiled, “I’ve heard it’s quite lovely at this time of year.”
I let out a quiet gasp, as the full-scale of his diabolical plan became apparent.
“But…but Düsseldorf isn’t a coastal city…?”
Cuomo laughed.
“And ships can’t travel not on water!” I spluttered clumsily. “We’ll sink!”
Cackling, Cuomo began performing parkour on the ottomans. ”In less than 45 minutes I’ll be playing Wheatus covers to a crowd of over 2 people at the Vorsprung Durch Technik Arena. And there’s nothing you can do about it!”
“You’re insane!” I snapped, before retiring to my quarters for the night.
***
I awoke to the sound of cruise liner on North German coastline. Peering out of my cabin’s nonexistent window, I could see/guess we had run aground on jagged rock, and that the ship was now listing at a quite precarious angle.
I clambered out on to the deck, where an emergency evacuation was in process. Frantically, I raced from lifeboat to lifeboat searching for a free seat, but hundreds of deeply selfish women and children had already taken them all. “Bastards, YOU BASTARDS” I yelled in the face of an elderly female, causing her to have a cardiac arrest. Slumping to the floor, I began to quietly weep. Could this be the end for Sir Humphrey Corfield-Carr??
Suddenly, a voice came over the speakers. “This is a friendly reminder that the ‘women and children first’ rule has been declared illegal by the European Court of Human Rights under anti-sexism and anti-ageism legislation. Can all women and children please exit the lifeboats and allow paunchy middle-aged men to board first. Thank you.”
Well, well, well. Perhaps things were coming up Sir Humphrey Corfield-Carr after all. As I strode towards the safety of a nearby lifeboat, I paused to tousle the hair of a terrified looking 6-year-old girl. It was mere chance that our paths had crossed; her returning to the doomed cruise liner, I frantically clambering over her mother’s head to grab a seat in a lifeboat. I knelt down to the child’s eye level. “Do you know there’s a nice place called heaven where good children go when they drown/die of hypothermia?” I said, surprising even myself by the sheer empathy and poetry of my words. She wept.
Unfortunately, my joy was short-lived. With typical B.O. Cruises incompetence (VERY important we remember to redact this appalling insubordination before publication – Ed.), the lifeboats had been fitted upside down, meaning that no sooner had I boarded the vessel then I was plummeting headfirst towards the freezing depths below.
“Noooooooo” I cried out as I hit the ocean, thereby obtaining a generous mouthful of sea water. It was one of the saltiest liquids I had ever tasted. But no time to enjoy it. Eager to get away from the dangerously listing cruise liner, I began to do the breast stroke (lol).
By now the ship lay stricken at a perilous angle. “Golly gosh! It’s going to fall! Blimey! That ship is jolly going to fall on us any moment now!” cried a nearby German. I spun around to view the vessel. Good god, Jerry was right. For a split second I thought I spied a shadowy Captain Cuomo-shaped figure in the control room, then suddenly the entire liner was falling. Straight at me.
“Noooooo” I cried out, in order to get one last delicious mouthful of salty liquid.
As the 760,000 tonne cruise liner fell directly onto my crotch, granting me a split second of the most extreme pain imaginable before immediate death, I thought about what excellent value for money a cruise holiday with B.O. Cruises represents and what a peerless safety record the cruise industry as a whole possesses and how everyone reading this should immediately go to the B.O. Cruises website and book the most expensive trip available and upgrade every option and basically just give all your money to B.O. Cruises right away such a great company can’t recommend them highly enough just really really excellent A+++++ fantastic service.
